Where's the panic button??

I have anticipated this. From the moment I started filling in the application form. Up to the moment before we got here. I knew life will be more challenging. Will be filled with sleepless nights. I guess where I went wrong is to think that I can pick up from where I left behind-- that my brain will have the same stamina. Can an olympic athlete still do his/her best after retiring for 7 years? Would occasional jogs within those years help him/her maintain his/her fitness? It felt like I'm in one of my nightmares where I suddenly found myself having to sit for my SPM again, at this age... like what the heck do I know or even remember?

It's useless to fret about it now. Although, many a times lately I wish to simply disappear into non-existence, I know I have to stop acting childish and face whatever it is that is coming. No one can help me but Allah and myself. I have to stop looking for the panic button and strategize.

Easier said than done. 

Problem one: still stuck in writing. I never did have this much of a problem when it comes to writing. At one point I even LOVE writing. But I guess academic writing is different. I start questioning everything that I am going to say (which generally is not a bad thing as you have to be critical when you read and write) but over analyzing made it harder for me to even write anything. I have applied a whole lots of things (make bullet points, write in BM then translate, yada yada yada.. but I'm still finding difficulty to express myself!)

And then there's the statistics for the paper. Again, I never was all that bad in maths. But I haven't done any maths related things (sans the everyday simple calculations) since I completed my degree back in 2003! Even then I think the formal maths learning stopped once I got into my first year. From then on it was all blissful design and drawing work. Less exams too. But now... Standard Deviations?? ANOVA?? What?? (alarm bells ringing, hand grasping for a red button). Ok. Back to strategizing.
This seems helpful:

http://www.socialresearchmethods.net/kb/statcorr.php

Next comes the biggie: the exams. And the paper I'm struggling to write is due in between these two exams. It's like having an assignment deadline in between exams-- exams that you simply cannot afford to mess up if you plan to still be here to endure another 3 1/2 years of phd roller coaster ride (that doesn't guarantee you won't be flung out from your seat as you dive head first). So my lame strategy for the moment is to negotiate with my supervisor to let me concentrate JUST on the exams; in which if I failed to achieve the target will also render other efforts meaningless as I will have to pack my bags and shamefully go home. In other words, ask her to let me off the hook with the paper. 

Would she let me? 

(as for now my mouth is practicing the do'a my mother texted me to softly blow behind her in hope that she will be oh-so-understanding! hahaha.. macam budak2! ~_~" but that's how desperate I am now)

Good luck pada diriku.

This too, shall pass. But let it pass ever so kindly. AMIN.